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  Texan Chili
For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true
this is. They actually have a Chili cook-off about the time the
rodeo comes to town It takes up a major portion of the parking
lot at the Astrodome.

The notes are from an inexperienced chili taster named Frank,
who was visiting Texas from the East Coast:

Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a
chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last
moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table
asking directions to the Budweiser truck, when the call came in. I
was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili
wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have
free beer during the tasting, So I accepted."

Here are the scorecards from the event:

Chili # 1 Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
Judge # 1 A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild
Judge # 3 (Frank) Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You
could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to
put the flames out. hope that's the worst one. These Texans are

Chili # 2 Arthur's Afterburner Chili
Judge # 1 - Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not
sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off
two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had
to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

Chili # 3 Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.
Judge # 2 -- A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My
nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the
routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded
me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest.
I'm getting shit-faced from all of the beer.

Chili # 4 Bubba's Black Magic
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but
was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out tastebuds?
Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills.
That 300-lb. bitch is starting to look HOT -- just like this
nuclear waste I'm eating. Is chili an aphrodisiac?

Chili # 5 Linda's Legal Lip Remover
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my
forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four
people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended
when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally
saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from
the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses
me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw
those rednecks.

Chili # 6 Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with
gaseous, sulfuric flames. I shit myself when I farted and I'm
worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to
stand behind me except that slut Sally. She must be kinkier than I
thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a
snow cone.

Chili # 7 Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a
can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I
am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress
as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin,
and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the
world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered
with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full
of lava like shit to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy,
they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, its
too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I
need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my

Chili #8 Tommy's Toe-Nail Curling Chili
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balance chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3
passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor dude, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili.

Joke Info
Contributor: Red Hot
Rating: Rated 3.44 from 9 votesRated 3.44 from 9 votesRated 3.44 from 9 votesRated 3.44 from 9 votesRated 3.44 from 9 votes

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