Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: "Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from children".
"When I die, I want to die like my grandmother who died peacefully in her sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in her car."
I'll worry about cleaning my house the day Harrods comes out with a ride-on vacuum cleaner.
"If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead"
"It's so long since I've had sex, I've forgotten who ties up whom."
"If it wasn't for pick-pockets and frisking at airports I'd have no sexlife at all."
"Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences that money can buy."
"My girlfriend said to me in bed last night' 'you're a pervert' I said,'that's a big word for a girl of fifteen'."
"My wife is a sex object. Everytime I ask for sex, she objects."
"I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own."
"My love life is terrible. The last time I was inside a woman was when I visited the Statue of Liberty."
"I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it's fantastic."
"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet."
"There are a number of mechanical devices that increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief amongst these is the Mercedes-Benz 380L convertible."
"You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life."
"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house."
"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time."
"What do people mean when they say the computer went down on them?
"Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography."
"Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many. Monogamy is the same."
Finally, one of the all-time best quotes: In a recent interview, General Norman Schwartzkopf was asked if he didn't think there was room for forgiveness toward the people who have harboured and abetted the terrorists who perpetrated the 9/11 attacks on America. His answer was a classic; Schwartzkopf said, "I believe that forgiving them is God's function. Our job is simply to arrange the meeting."